a random vent!
Ever since we have had a biological child we get all kinds of interesting comments. Initially when I was pregnant it was the "Oh wow, you mean you CAN have kids". Now, I am asked almost daily if I would have another baby (biological) and I always say no. As this is the truth. Of course, immediately people do not believe me and they start this thing where they try to convince me to have another.
I find this so strange. They usually go on and on about how beautiful Holly is... "but look at her, she's so cute....". As if these superficial things matter in family planning! And sometimes it bothers me that they don't consider encouraging us to adopt again and so I usually respond with, "Look at him, why wouldn't we adopt again?"
Hello???? Adopting is just as much a miracle and an amazing experience as having a biological child! I've been through both and I feel no different towards Holly than Moses. I'm sure people are not implying this. It's just that they seem to get really excited about people with growing bellies and really weird around people who take out large lines of credit so that they can adopt!
Of course, if you really knew me you would know that the pregnancy has wreaked havoc on my body and there is no way my husband and I would ever consider getting pregnant again. So sorry. If we want to expand our family we will adopt : )
I guess I just think it would be awesome if more people in the world encouraged adoption. Just like when we announced our adoption plans and we heard a few sighs of disappointment, I still feel like a lot of people would prefer if people just had bio children. Not sure why... and of course it isn't even an option for a lot of people!
So there is my little vent. Just thought I would start typing today and see what came out. Any thoughts? Am I crazy or reading into this?
and because no post is complete without a picture, here is my sweet little thumb-sucker!
I find this so strange. They usually go on and on about how beautiful Holly is... "but look at her, she's so cute....". As if these superficial things matter in family planning! And sometimes it bothers me that they don't consider encouraging us to adopt again and so I usually respond with, "Look at him, why wouldn't we adopt again?"
Hello???? Adopting is just as much a miracle and an amazing experience as having a biological child! I've been through both and I feel no different towards Holly than Moses. I'm sure people are not implying this. It's just that they seem to get really excited about people with growing bellies and really weird around people who take out large lines of credit so that they can adopt!
Of course, if you really knew me you would know that the pregnancy has wreaked havoc on my body and there is no way my husband and I would ever consider getting pregnant again. So sorry. If we want to expand our family we will adopt : )
I guess I just think it would be awesome if more people in the world encouraged adoption. Just like when we announced our adoption plans and we heard a few sighs of disappointment, I still feel like a lot of people would prefer if people just had bio children. Not sure why... and of course it isn't even an option for a lot of people!
So there is my little vent. Just thought I would start typing today and see what came out. Any thoughts? Am I crazy or reading into this?
posted by emily at
2:02 PM
13 Comments:
Thank you. I feel like re-posting this on my blog :) I honestly don't understand why people seem to value pregnancy over adoption. It's been a rough weekend for me on the adoption front so I needed to hear/read something from some one who truly gets it. Thanks again :)
GREAT post!!! I totally agree with what you have said. It seems to me that people are more excited when someone announces they are pregnant than when someone announces they are adopting. Why? I hope this attitude changes over time. Thanks for this post- well done!
Carolyn
I had a rough experience around this recently. A relative announced a pregnancy and their was unabashed joy and tears and happiness and squealing, etc. for their announcement. Which is right and good, but it just highlighted that we've not had the same reaction to our adoption from the same people. It's hard. Really hard.
This is a great post. I totally agree that some people get weird about adoption and also that many people seem to think they are allowed to have an opinion about how others build a family or how many children others should have. I don't get it either!
I can see why you would be so frustrated with this! My heart is starting to turn more and more toward adoption. Not sure if we will expand our family but most likely the route we will go if we do.
I also love your thumb sucker! I've got one too!
You're not crazy for being annoyed by this AT ALL! It's amazing how RUDE and invasive people can be, asking about your personal family plans.
My husband and I have chosen not to have children. Ever. We are asked ALL the time whether we can (physically) have kids, why we're not having kids, and then people launch into a huge guilt trip/attempt at convincing us that we MUST.HAVE.KIDS.
Family planning/creating is SO personal, and it baffles me how judgemental and CRAZY people get about it!
hmmmmm, so many good comments on this! Admittedly, I am one of those people that is more excited for a biological baby, and I'm not even sure why that is. I think it is partly because of the sad, traumatic situation that adoption is. I can't help thinking about the "first mother" and the situation that brought this child into the world. And it seems like there must be a "reason" to want to adopt (i.e. infertility, back issues, wanting to save a child from a terrible life in an institution, etc.). I think it is quite rare to just WANT to adopt for the sake of adopting. You are the only woman I have ever known to feel this way. But it's one of the things that I love about you!!! And I agree, family planning is such a personal issue and really is no one's business! And both of your children are GORGEOUS and precious and miracles!
I really appreciated this post Emily. Thanks. During our adoption journey I had so many people tell me "Oh, as soon as you adopt, you'll get pregnant." Sometimes I let it go and other times I couldn't, so would reply, "No, I won't. I'm on birth control, which is the truth." This was always met with shocked reactions as they would ask, "Why????" I would reply, "We don't want to accidentally get pregnant and put our adoption on hold." They could not understand this and would make a variety of uninformed comments. I still get that now. I appreciate it when I read posts like yours, where others actually GET IT! Thanks for this.
I would rant and rave like a lunatic if I were you, regardless of intentions. I think it is natural to ask if you would have any more because everyone loves babies, however to compare it to the fact that you just happened to have 2 of the cutest kids going is ridiculous--- seriously what if your next kid wasn't so cute-- then would people will tell you to stop-- I DON'T think so. So my advice from a mom of many, is that as much I hope you and Mike expand your family- I think adoption is a wonderful way to do it, I can not imagine not having Moses in our lives and I hope you bring more little Moses' and Holly's into all of our lives regardless of the 'method'. So rant dear cousin rant!
Love cousin erin.
Thanks for your thoughts, Em. I too agree that family planning is super personal, and too wish people would mind their own business. I think people are more excited about pregnancy than adoption because it's what they're used to, but because of wonderful people like YOU, you're changing the "norm" and opening people's eyes to other wonderful ways of having a family. Both your kids are gorgeous, no matter where they came from :)
Wow, I'm so happy that this post resonated with so many of you! Thanks for commenting : )
You are not alone. I'm so thankful that we adopted before having bio children but the comments I get enrage me! Luckily I present as a "don't fu@k with me" kinda Mom and most people are smart enough to keep their dumb comments to themselves!
I agree! Adoption is just as much a beautiful miracle as giving birth. I totally understand everything you've said. I feel too that some people seem to think that having biological children is by far better than adopting. I get that feeling a lot. Like when people find out we're adopting again they say "maybe you'll get pregnant then you won't have to adopt". I'm sorry, but I want to adopt. We're adopting again no matter what happens. And I was happy to read Alysia's comment about being on birth control to avoid putting the adoption on hold. I thought I was the only one who had done that. And I was scared to tell anyone, for fear of them thinking I was crazy. I know my doctor thought I was crazy.
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