Attachment Series: Part I What is Attachment and A Letter to Family & Friends
Now that Mike and I are preparing to travel and bring home Moses we want to take the time to educate our family and friends on attachment. Although this may seem extreme and "overly paranoid" to some of you the importance of attachment parenting in adoption is huge. Over the next week I want to do a variety of posts on this topic and we hope that the people who will be in our daily lives will take the time to read this and respect our attachment parenting style!
What is attachment?
First Year Bonding Cycle (www.a4everfamily.org)
During the first year of life, baby's focus is on one goal: getting his needs met. The bonding cycle begins in utero and continues during infancy when the child experiences unpleasant sensations such as hunger, pain, discomfort, or tiredness. He expresses this feeling by whimpering, crying or raging. When his diaper is changed or he is given a bottle, the need is met, leading him to feel satisfied, creating a sense of trust. During the first year of life, this cycle of discomfort-need-gratification-trust, is created over and over again in a dance between mother and baby. Through this process the child understands that he is safe and loved.
The cycle is disrupted by separation from the birth mother. The situation can be compounded by additional disruptions including hospitalization, foster care, or institutionalization. When the child's needs are not met or the caregivers are inconsistent, the child learns that the world is not safe. He believes that in order to survive, he must take care of himself, controlling everyone and everything in his little world.
A Letter to our family & friends
(adapted from www.a4everfamily.org)
Dear Family and Friends,
As we prepare for the arrival of our son, we have learned that while decorating the nursery and stocking up on baby essentials is important, even more important is the emotional health of our baby. In his short life, our son will have gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle. Imagine how much harder the changes will be for him. While he may not consciously remember the events, he will still experience immense loss, including feelings of grief and trauma. He's already experienced the loss of a birthmother and will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of his birth country. His world will turn upside down. He will struggle with feeling safe and secure and he may lack the ability to trust that we will meet his needs. Research shows that there is only a short window in a child's life to effectively build a solid attachment relationship. Therefore, this subject is extremely important to Mike and I.
We have prepared to meet his emotional needs so that he does learn that we will always take care of him and we will always keep him safe. We need your support. In order to form a strong and healthy attachment we will allow him to regress so that he has the opportunity to go through all of the emotional stages with us despite his chronological age (I'll explain this more later!). Although it may appear that we are spoiling him, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. Until he has learned that we are his parents, we will need to be his primary caretakers at all times. It is essential that we always hold him, feed him, and do all of the nurturing. You may wonder how long this will take, but the timeline is different for every child. We will follow his lead and trust our instincts as his parents rather than worry about what society expects. Please wait for our cue to hold Moses.
I know we have all been waiting anxiously for Moses to arrive but the truth is, he has not been waiting for us. He has no idea just how drastically his world is going to change in a matter of weeks. He may show his grief and confusion in many ways or he may simply smile and be the happiest baby ever, but this doesn't mean that he is not grieving and we can suddenly pass him around the room. We are prepared to help him through his grief and prove that we are his forever family and this truly is his last stop. If too many people hold him in the first few weeks that he is home Moses will merely see Mike and I as his new caretakers and will start to internally wait for the day that we will leave too. If you think this might be too extreme, find an adult adoptee and ask them if they have any attachment issues, trust issues, or abandoment issues. You might be surprised what you hear.
All Mike and I are doing are trying to give the best to our child and we believe that attachment is fundamental to a child's sense of self and their overall security as they grow up. I know it won't be easy as you have all been waiting so long to meet him, but we hope and pray that you will support us in this next step of our journey. Of course, this doesn't mean that we don't want to see you at all when we come home... it just means that you need to phone first and not expect to hold him right away!
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and for all your support and understanding.
Love,
Emily & Mike
What is attachment?
First Year Bonding Cycle (www.a4everfamily.org)
During the first year of life, baby's focus is on one goal: getting his needs met. The bonding cycle begins in utero and continues during infancy when the child experiences unpleasant sensations such as hunger, pain, discomfort, or tiredness. He expresses this feeling by whimpering, crying or raging. When his diaper is changed or he is given a bottle, the need is met, leading him to feel satisfied, creating a sense of trust. During the first year of life, this cycle of discomfort-need-gratification-trust, is created over and over again in a dance between mother and baby. Through this process the child understands that he is safe and loved.
The cycle is disrupted by separation from the birth mother. The situation can be compounded by additional disruptions including hospitalization, foster care, or institutionalization. When the child's needs are not met or the caregivers are inconsistent, the child learns that the world is not safe. He believes that in order to survive, he must take care of himself, controlling everyone and everything in his little world.
A Letter to our family & friends
(adapted from www.a4everfamily.org)
Dear Family and Friends,
As we prepare for the arrival of our son, we have learned that while decorating the nursery and stocking up on baby essentials is important, even more important is the emotional health of our baby. In his short life, our son will have gone through more changes and life altering experiences than most adults could handle. Imagine how much harder the changes will be for him. While he may not consciously remember the events, he will still experience immense loss, including feelings of grief and trauma. He's already experienced the loss of a birthmother and will soon experience the loss of familiar and comforting caretakers as well as the sights, smells, and language of his birth country. His world will turn upside down. He will struggle with feeling safe and secure and he may lack the ability to trust that we will meet his needs. Research shows that there is only a short window in a child's life to effectively build a solid attachment relationship. Therefore, this subject is extremely important to Mike and I.
We have prepared to meet his emotional needs so that he does learn that we will always take care of him and we will always keep him safe. We need your support. In order to form a strong and healthy attachment we will allow him to regress so that he has the opportunity to go through all of the emotional stages with us despite his chronological age (I'll explain this more later!). Although it may appear that we are spoiling him, we have been advised that it is best that we meet every need quickly and consistently. Until he has learned that we are his parents, we will need to be his primary caretakers at all times. It is essential that we always hold him, feed him, and do all of the nurturing. You may wonder how long this will take, but the timeline is different for every child. We will follow his lead and trust our instincts as his parents rather than worry about what society expects. Please wait for our cue to hold Moses.
I know we have all been waiting anxiously for Moses to arrive but the truth is, he has not been waiting for us. He has no idea just how drastically his world is going to change in a matter of weeks. He may show his grief and confusion in many ways or he may simply smile and be the happiest baby ever, but this doesn't mean that he is not grieving and we can suddenly pass him around the room. We are prepared to help him through his grief and prove that we are his forever family and this truly is his last stop. If too many people hold him in the first few weeks that he is home Moses will merely see Mike and I as his new caretakers and will start to internally wait for the day that we will leave too. If you think this might be too extreme, find an adult adoptee and ask them if they have any attachment issues, trust issues, or abandoment issues. You might be surprised what you hear.
All Mike and I are doing are trying to give the best to our child and we believe that attachment is fundamental to a child's sense of self and their overall security as they grow up. I know it won't be easy as you have all been waiting so long to meet him, but we hope and pray that you will support us in this next step of our journey. Of course, this doesn't mean that we don't want to see you at all when we come home... it just means that you need to phone first and not expect to hold him right away!
Thank you for taking the time to read this letter and for all your support and understanding.
Love,
Emily & Mike
posted by emily at
10:28 PM
14 Comments:
if only we could all write letters to those who judge us or think they can parent better than us who do it every day. i know from 5 years of pregnancy and child-rearing that you will never please everybody... not even close. nobody knows what motivates you to do the things you do as parents, what has influenced your morning as you rush about frantically just trying to make it to the doctor's office in one piece, nevermind teeth brushed and hair combed!! or why you don't seem to be reacting 'appropriately' to your child as he melts down in the store because you know best what will guide him through the moment without starting a war. emily and mike, this process has taught you so much about your new role that takes lots of parents (me included) years to appreciate and value. you know your son, you know what his needs are and don't let ANYBODY undermine your decisions. good for you for writing this letter. your son is so blessed to have you and he hasn't even met you two!
love erin levesque
THIS IS FABULOUS - I will certainly be linking in to this post - if you don't mind.
Laura
Wow, that's a great letter! I think we'll need to either post or email out a similar one when our time comes. Thanks for the great idea! Can't wait to hear that you have Moses in your arms!
Alysia
wow, tears come to my eyes as I read this, and yes you have my full support. It is this kind of child-focused parenting that is going to change the world! It is not an easy task, but it is worth the struggle!
Thanks for sharing this. The letter explains it all beautifully. You will all be in our prayers.
Wow, so many things I wouldn't have thought about before - I feel so much more informed! I love how you guys have looked so extensively into how you can best support Moses through his transition! (eek.. gives me shivers when I read... in just a few more weeks...).
Well said, Emily! I hope that his transition is a smooth one and that attachment happens quickly for you.
I would love to link to your post too, if that's ok!
Claire
I think Emily that this does make sense, women who carry a baby have 9 months to form this attachment and as a birth mother you need your me time with 'Mosey' (I got that from Zelda)But if you need anything during this time, you can always call or email... me of course- Jay won't be much help...lol.
Anxiously waiting... for Mosey from upitopia! (another quote from Zelda)
Wow, It makes so mush sense. I feel kind of dumb. I've known tons of people who were adopted and even have people very close to me who were adopted and I've never really stopped to think about the process of attachment. I think letting Moses regress and lead the process is an incredible gift you can give him. As a new mom I remember wanting to let people hold Livi but sometimes the over stimulation would cause fits of crying for us later on in the evening, even though I'm sure she knew that she could trust us as her parents. With a chosen child, the psychological tole that over stimulation and new faces would take is so much more immersed with other issues that hadn't really crossed my mind. Thanks for this post. I've learned a lot.
Great job Emily, I sent my letter out to our peeps last week! I stole your idea to do some blogging on attachment on ours too, hope you don't mind!
Jen
Stick to your guns! I have found most people to be understanding, but outlining the boundaries for them now is a great idea and will make it easier to reinforce once you are home with your wee man.
Very well said. As someone else posted, I may point my friends and family to this letter. Its a great summary of some of the things we learned about very early on in our adoption journey. Thanks.
Well done! I hope you receive 100% support.
Barb
Great post(s) on attachment Emily! I will be praying for this process for you Mike and Moses. I can't wait to see him in your arms!
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