An actual post with writing in it.

I haven't "written" a post in awhile. But lately I've been reading the book "Mother Zen: Walking the Crooked Path of Motherhood" by Karen Maezen Miller and it has inspired me to write again. I really like not only what she has to say but how she says it. It's so nice to read a book from someone who just gets it too. A mother who doesn't pretend to have everything together, but who delves into the struggles of motherhood and writes entire chapters on things like "fatigue" and learning to give up your ego.

Anyways, it has got me thinking about how I feel like I have changed so much since becoming a mother. Yes, the cliches are true: you never know how much you can love someone until you become a parent. But also, I have changed in that my identity feels so completely different now. I used to feel so proud to tell people where I worked. I LOVED my job and bawled my eyes out when I drove home on my last day. But now, I have found something much more fulfilling and yet at times I will honestly say it isn't all that satisfying (not sure if that is the right work, i've changed it about 10 times). It's hard work. There isn't a lot of glory.

I used to feel like I acomplished so much in a day. I had binders that were organized, a check-list at my desk where I actually ticked things off. Feedback from students that made me feel like I knew what I was doing! Days where I literally felt amazing after I gave what I thought was a "wicked awesome lesson". Now, I'm proud of myself if I actually managed to do some laundry and sweep the floor. I feel like I have actually become less organized and less productive since becoming a mom. Does this make any sense??? Or am I the only one that feels this way. But of course, the love I receive from Moses does fulfill me and I truly feel honoured to be his mom.... I'm just trying to be honest here as well.

And I've gotten used to answering the question, "so are you back at work now?" or "What do you do for work?" And I've become quite happy and confident in telling people that I've chosen not to go back and to be a stay at home mom for as long as possible. (Well, for the most part I'm confident.... it bugs me that I still feel the need to defend this with "I also help with the paperwork for my husband's business" as if that makes my new job more worthy).

I think the most annoying response to this actually came from another mother who asked me, "well, what do you do all day?" Well... let's see.... did you raise your kids? Do you have any memory of what that was like? Do you really want me to tell you?

But really, I'm just so thankful that I have the financial ability to stay at home right now, so I can put up with the weird comments I've received from some people. I just don't want to miss out on anything in Mosey's life, and my husband and I would rather have less money than have someone else spend the days with him.

Wow, I'm really rambling. I was going to write funny sentences like, "You know you're a mother when...."

But perhaps this post will be of interest to someone.