The Primal Wound
I finished reading The Primal Wound by Nancy Newton Verrier over Christmas. I felt like posting something and since nothing seems to be going on right now (still waiting for homestudy to be signed and complete) I thought I would post a bit of a book review on it.
The Primal Wound really focuses on the psychological impact of a newborn being separated from one's birth mother. Reading this book was really good for getting rid of the notion that a baby "won't remember anything." Verrier spends a lot of time talking about the emotional effect on the child later on in his or her life. Although her own daughter who was adopted, cognitively knew that she was loved and wanted she still struggled with a feeling that told her otherwise (she was adopted from day 1). "It is the 14-year-old girl who understands the reasons for her relinquishment, but the feelings are those of a neborn baby who simply feels the loss of a mother who never came back. The baby does not care why she did it; the baby just feels abandoned. And that abandoned baby lives inside each and every adoptee all his or her life." This is such a powerful point and it has really made me think. If any adoptive parents out there have an opinion on this I would love to hear it.
We obviously plan to tell our son why he may have been placed for adoption but it is so important to realize that whatever the reasons are, the bottom line is it was a very sad and devestating day for both mother and child. We may be purely excited and happy to adopt, but on the other side of the world there is a mother who is hurting and a baby who is crying for his mom. We must acknowledge this.
"The feeling that life is unsafe and that he must be 'on guard' takes its toll.... The loss of the mother disallows the achievement of basic trust, the first milestone in the healthy development of a human being." This brings us to trust and attachment. Eventually, Mike and I are going to have to set some rules for when we come home from Ethiopia and we are going to try to encourage our child to attach to us and only us. Initially, the rules may sound extreme to many of you, but I hope that with the knowledge of what you have just read and the realization that our child will have gone through real trauma, you will be able to respect whatever decision we make.
Verrier doesn't paint a rosy picture of adoption, but it is so important to go into the process with all the knowledge you can get. Anyways, I highly reccomend this book and would love to loan it to any of you who are reading this and live near by.
The Primal Wound really focuses on the psychological impact of a newborn being separated from one's birth mother. Reading this book was really good for getting rid of the notion that a baby "won't remember anything." Verrier spends a lot of time talking about the emotional effect on the child later on in his or her life. Although her own daughter who was adopted, cognitively knew that she was loved and wanted she still struggled with a feeling that told her otherwise (she was adopted from day 1). "It is the 14-year-old girl who understands the reasons for her relinquishment, but the feelings are those of a neborn baby who simply feels the loss of a mother who never came back. The baby does not care why she did it; the baby just feels abandoned. And that abandoned baby lives inside each and every adoptee all his or her life." This is such a powerful point and it has really made me think. If any adoptive parents out there have an opinion on this I would love to hear it.
We obviously plan to tell our son why he may have been placed for adoption but it is so important to realize that whatever the reasons are, the bottom line is it was a very sad and devestating day for both mother and child. We may be purely excited and happy to adopt, but on the other side of the world there is a mother who is hurting and a baby who is crying for his mom. We must acknowledge this.
"The feeling that life is unsafe and that he must be 'on guard' takes its toll.... The loss of the mother disallows the achievement of basic trust, the first milestone in the healthy development of a human being." This brings us to trust and attachment. Eventually, Mike and I are going to have to set some rules for when we come home from Ethiopia and we are going to try to encourage our child to attach to us and only us. Initially, the rules may sound extreme to many of you, but I hope that with the knowledge of what you have just read and the realization that our child will have gone through real trauma, you will be able to respect whatever decision we make.
Verrier doesn't paint a rosy picture of adoption, but it is so important to go into the process with all the knowledge you can get. Anyways, I highly reccomend this book and would love to loan it to any of you who are reading this and live near by.
posted by emily at
5:57 PM
1 Comments:
Emily,
I can't believe how incredibly sad that seems but makes incredible sense. I agree with your needing your son to bond with you and Mike and having to have rules for attachment- I totally understand! Even mothers of their own birth children set those same rules subconsciously! Thank you for writing that review I think it is wonderful and exciting on how much you are doing for your son while you wait... he will reap the benefits of your wisdom and I think you will have developed such a support of personal knowledge and people around you that your family is going to thrive!
Erin
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